chongkitunababy

neruda and dateless sundays

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

translated by W.S. Merwin

this is one of my favorite poems. it justifies how my ambivalence can sometimes make me feel catatonic.

Growing up UP and AWAY!!!!

sabi ng isang text sa akin ng isang kaibigan 'maturity comes when you have the feeling that no one else will come to your rescue but yourself.'

i woke up this morning realizing that i have made a mess out of my life, again. nang haharass nanaman ung naka-date kong psycho version ni marc logan, may problema pa ako sa land lady ko dahil nahulihan ako na may plancha sa room, wala akong pera, wala akong trabaho, wala akong syota at tumaba pa nga ata ako ng quarter of an inch. when i struggled to get myself out of the bed to get some breakfast nagkasagutan pa kami ni mama dahil sa pinagpipilitan kong strong correlation between sa laban ni paquiao at sa traffic. may mga araw talaga na ginigising ka ng puro problema na parang malamig na tubig na sinaboy s'yo.

nag sorry ako kay mama,kumain ng tasty at bago ako umalis papuntang maynila, sinabihan nya ako na galingan ko daw mag sinungaling para hindi makapagmulta at kung sakali mang mahuli ako at mag multa ako bayaran na lang daw namin, wala na daw syang magagawa kahit pagalitan pa nya ako. nangyari na yon. i felt like a complete bum while all this litany was going on. eto ako 22, at pinoproblema pa din ng nanay ko ang mga kapalpakan ko sa buhay.

habang nasa bus nag-iisip na ako ng kasinungalinang pwede kong ma-formulate. buti na lang at tutulungan ako ng room mate kong si crissie kung paanong 'hindi mag papahuli ng buhay.' may saviour nanaman ako. medyo na comfort ako sa idea na yon pero at the back of my mind nagsusumiksik ung text sa akin ng kaibigan ko. shet. i am being dependent nanaman. naisip ko lang paano kaya pag wala si mama, wala si crissie? o wala si mark na last hope ko para mautangan pambayad sa dorm? malamang pupulutin ako sa kangkungan.

lahat na nga ata ng problema ko ngayon related sa dependency. kung hindi ako nakipag date para ma fill-up ung need ko sa pagkakaroon ng taga-dala ng bag o taga libre ng lunch sana walang pyscho na naggugulo sa akin ngayon, kung hindi ako nasanay na may sumisita sa akin pag naiiwan ko ang plancha na pakalat kalat sa room di sana naalala kong maitago ung lecheng plancha na yun, kung hindi ako naging emotionally dependent sana hindi na ako umalis ng UP at graduate na ako by this time at may work na.

alam ko technically what to do i just can't bring myself to do it. kung para lang akong si pokemon na nag eevolve sa bawat battles wala sana akong problema ngayon. i need a maturity spurt and i need it NOW!